I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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