FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
