btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize