textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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