I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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