I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
