This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
