Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
