Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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