Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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