No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize