Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
