i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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