My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
