im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
