What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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