I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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