Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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