I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
