Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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