i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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