Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
