I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
