I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
