you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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