So drunk its hurt
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
