I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
