Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
