life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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