dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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