The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
