i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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