She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
