Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
