Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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