We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
