so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
