I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
