I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
