this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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