Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
