Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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