Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
