Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
