I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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