My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
