i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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