What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
