also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
