Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
