Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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