I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
