My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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