dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
