she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
