So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
